Husband's note

[summerose]

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife;
"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer."

[manape]

I LIKE IT Summerose. They are a lot of things we don't understand about women, especially the one we love. For the sake of mutual understanding, I'm posting Guy's Rules here. Warning to men: Avoid using rule number 1, if you don't want to be sleeping on the couch.

Guy's Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. 1. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

[summerose]

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

LOL! very funny!!!

[manape]

More Husband Humor

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[fairydust]

LOL! these are great! Thanks

[manape]

The Truth About Husbands



www.humorcolumnist.com/husbands.htm

[manicu]

can relate

[fairydust]

what!!!

[delilah]

Here is Red Skeleton's Perfect Marriage Advice

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.



2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.



3. I take my wife everywhere.....

but she keeps finding her way back.



4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.



5. We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.



6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.

She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.



7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was.

She told me "In the lake."



8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.



9. She ran after the garbage truck! , yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"

The driver said, "No, jump in!"



10. Remember:... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.



11. I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.



13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked "What's on the TV?"

I said "Dust!"

[manape]

I can relate to three truths (top-3) about husbands.

We can't stand construction criticism (notice I didn't say constructive critism...well I'm working on it), our biggest motivator is food (we are the hunters/providers), no task is so big that we can't put it off until tomorrow (don't worry be happy).

3. Never criticize your husband about anything that involves a hammer, saw, or screwdriver.

2. The most powerful motivator known to man is the smell of a steak on the grill.

1. You can’t out procrastinate your husband; don’t even try.

[manape]

Lol! I guess it dates me, but I miss Red.

Thanks Delilah.

[mad4martinis]

And NEVER, EVER take the remote from his side of the couch!!!

[fairydust]

AMEN!!! OR USE THE BATTERIES FOR YOUR NAIL POLISHER!

[summerose]

I vaguely remember Red Skelton's show as a child.....loved his character "Clem Kadiddlehopper"!

[delilah]

I'm so glad you enjoyed the Marriage Advice. There are many things I've learned over the years with this husband of mine. I've learned more from just watching than actually listening to him. He often believes he is the owner of it all, including the debbie pies, the razors, and that he is the only one who watches television. So after watching this behavior, I decided, to bring it to his attention that he was just alittle too possessive of others belongings, as he took my last french fry from my plate he said he never thought he was that way.